Category Archives: Uncategorized

Bathroom found, sanity at large

“Excuse me, where’s the bathroom?”

Just head towards the back of the restaurant until you find the emergency exit door. Once you push that open, climb down the fire escape and you’ll see three side alleys ahead of the massive garbage compost you just landed in. You’ll walk through scattered colonies of diseased rats and heroin addicts if you pick the first one on your right, and you’ll likely get stabbed if you choose the one next to that, so I definitely recommend you opt for the first alley on your left side when you’re facing the abandoned parking lot. From there just go straight until you see a scruffy ne’er-do-well named Rufus, who will kindly offer you the piss bucket and let you know what a dumbass you are.

“Right upstairs, sir,” I reply while pointing to the nearby staircase whose sparkling “Restroom” sign and suggestive arrow would render this search too elementary for a segment of Blue’s Clues.

Waiting tables in Georgetown is about more than just raking in mad tips off deep-pocketed schmucks too inebriated to notice or care that gratuity was already included. It’s about the process of throwing oneself headlong into the social melting pot, or the act of engaging with men and women from all walks of life and realizing, no matter which corner of the globe they’re from or what language they speak, people just aren’t particularly competent creatures. Because I don’t care how many minions work for you on Capitol Hill; if you need to ask me about the difference between a falafel burger and a veggie burger, there’s just no way your daily consumption of valuable natural resources can be justified.

These are the kind of thoughts that cling to me as I march toward dreaded table 23, a party of four whose bewildered faces give them away as one of those families making its annual trip out of the house for dinner. They stare at the menus as if they’re clutching copies of Mitt Romney’s tax returns, and I can’t help but dread what my spiel about the evening’s specials will do to their feeble minds. Continue reading Bathroom found, sanity at large