April is (not) the cruelest month

[READ COLUMN IN THE CAVALIER DAILY]

You know what they say: “April showers bring May flowers.” This old adage, which is a slightly adapted version of the even older Pacific Islander expression, “April showers bring much death and destruction,” seems to adequately sum up the current state of the University community.

After putting up with all of March’s crap, including the persistent cold weather, Daylight Savings Time, the basketball coaching controversy, the commencement speaker controversy, the switch to SIS and Twitter, we are finally ready to move on and put up with all of April’s crap, including taxes, spring cleaning, Kelly Clarkson’s birthday, the onslaught of allergies and mysterious egg-dealing bunny rabbits.

Yes, there are a myriad of things to get excited about in April, which according to the omniscient Professor Internet, has been deemed by federal lawmakers as National Pecan Month, Irritable Bowel Syndrome Month, Women’s Eye Health and Safety Month and, of course, National Straw Hat Month. Here are just a few highlights of the next 30 days:

April Fool’s Day: What better way to kick off International Pooper-Scooper Week (not kidding) than to partake in a day full of annoying hoaxes and rampant lying? Frankly, I am fed up with the blatant dishonesty that this holiday promotes, which is why I have decided to start a new April Fool’s ritual this year. Every time someone tries to play a silly little trick on me, I am going to punch them square in the face. Maybe that will remind this country of its most cherished values: untamed violence and bullying.

Easter: Falling on the first Sunday after the first moon of the vernal equinox has waxed 36 degrees southeast and made approximately 4.5 counterclockwise waning movements in response to the gravitational pull of Jupiter — or in layman’s terms — on the day when the Easter Bunny comes out of hiding, Easter is a special time of year for Eastern Christians and Western Christians alike. The night before, in accordance with ancient tradition, a crazed man dressed in a bunny suit delights children everywhere by breaking into their homes and placing baskets filled with eggs, candy and toys in random places, taking in exchange several important items from their parents’ liquor cabinet. To my knowledge, no one has really nailed down the true connection between the resurrection of Jesus and the egg-addicted magnanimous bunny rabbit, but I suspect alcohol might have something to do with it.

Taxes: Suck it up, people. Recession or no recession, the government still needs your hard-earned dollars to pay for important projects like finding a cure for headaches, building a shipping shortcut through Florida and increasing inefficiency at airports. As a spoiled college student, however, I will once again play my role in this whole Tax Day business by ignoring it completely.

The National Football League Draft: Arguably the most exciting television event since the creation of the Golf Channel, the NFL Draft is a non-stop, full-throttle, roller-coaster ride of pure entertainment. Ex-football players, wearing absurdly clashing suits, make false predictions about the futures of college football players, each of whom, they must always make clear, has “a lotta talent” and is indeed “a big-time playmaker.” To counteract the vague “analysis” of guys like Keyshawn Johnson and Chris Carter, the Confucius of draft knowledge, Mel Kiper Jr., is always on hand to pour forth his frighteningly acute knowledge of every aspect of every college football player in history, right down to their bedtime schedules and annoying bathroom habits, all the while looking like a tremendous prick.

Mr. Pollen Comes to Town: Mr. Pollen is that genial old mass of plant excrement who mostly keeps to himself and pays you no mind throughout the year. In April, however, he goes on his annual rampage, wreaking havoc on your sinuses and forcing you, practically at gunpoint, to stock up on tissue boxes and Claritin tablets.

Movie Month: As is the case every April, some of the greatest films of our time will finally be released to the eager public. This month’s surefire Oscar nominees include “Dragonball: Evolution,” “Crank High Voltage,” “17 Again” and “Hannah Montana: The Movie.”

Koninginnedag: Also known as Queen’s Day, this April 30 celebration of the Queen of the Netherlands is meant to bring all Dutch people together to emphasize national unity and an unwavering commitment to get as trashed as possible. Apparently, everyone just dresses in orange and parties like it’s 1999 — meaning that this definitely is something in which U.Va. can participate.

Yes, my friends, April truly is something to get pumped about. And if you still aren’t convinced, let me remind you that we are a mere 25 days away from National Scoop the Poop Week, an additional celebratory week of picking up your dog’s droppings tacked onto the calendar in 2007 by the reputable pet company “Dogologie,” which simply felt that one week wasn’t enough. Until then, though, enjoy all the other events April has to offer, and you better not cross me Wednesday.

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